Why does the onion make me cry?

I am dry inside and am shrinking in

And those tears should trigger the flood that's damned

But they run down my face unchallenging

As if mocking me

As if proving my soul has succeeded in building the wall

And I see your face on the other side of my wall

But my soul doesn't recognize you anymore

alt mitt hat mot meg
Falt over på deg hver gang jeg begynte å gråte
jeg klarer ikke mer

klarer ikke all skyldfølelsen
klarer ikke å føle meg som det siste mennesket på jorda lenger
det er så klisjé, jeg finner ingen som forstår meg
Men virkelig, det er visst ingen lenger
For hun som forstod er borte
og han jeg trodde kom til å forstå ble en annen enn den jeg skapte ham som

og alene i paradis er det jeg som snakker med slangen
jeg som spiser eplet
jeg som blir kastet ut i hensynsløshet og klarhet
smerten får meg ikke lenger
men tomheten inne i meg har spist et hull der viljen min en gang var
og hjertet mitt pumper saktere og saktere
jeg kjenner blodet stivne i årene mine mens jeg trekker dype åndedrag og prøver å fortsette å leve
snart en seig masse som blir liggende og dampe motbydelighet
og hjertet mitt er stille og sukker et siste sukk
før det lukker seg og glemmer meg

for det hjertet som husker meg fremdeles, tror jeg ikke finnes lenger
alt jeg har elsket, alt jeg har sendt min kjærlighet mot har forlatt meg
glemt meg i et evig jag mot lykke

alene, alene
for en klisjé

this silence is killing me.
small sounds of life just seem like madness
this feeling of loneliness will never leave me
but you’ve made it stronger today
and that is hurting

hurting, someone is hurting me
and beneath it all i see that you i hated sometimes, but myself i hated every minute of this horrible day and age
i’m losing touch again
drifting into apathy
swerling towards some tired eyes

come back to me
come back to me
or give me someone who can take this pain away
painkillers don’t seem to make it better anymore
they only leave me drifting, and i’m drifting all right by myself
into the grey, here i come
no-one is holding on, so this will be an easy ride

right down into that world which i fear and hate so much
but now there is nothing left to hold me back

cause i see that the only thing my love ever led me to in the end
was hurting

So tired
The demons lightly caressing me
And I keep on falling
I suddenly see no reason to hold on
For the questions have started to arise
And the fear is gripping me
What if those horrid dreams were visions?
What if the silent corpses were screaming a warning at the top of their lungs?
God, that smell of decay is not coming from her silent body but from my rotten soul
Only her laughter can patch my wounds together
But that laughter was shunned hanging there
And buried six feet under.

Filled with emptiness
I watch the hours go by
And hope for darkness
Even though it terrifies me
The hanging bodies haunting my mind
And her eyes opening to me from the coffin
Those lifeless, spiritless vessels of death
Never stops looking at me

Trying to calm my soul down
As she is lapsing into infinate realization
I grasp hold of all I have dear to keep from tumbling in
But it all revolves around me
I get dizzy, but my cry for help will hurt too many ears
So I am silent
And weeping every spare moment
I look into my own mirror reflection
And realize that her pain
Will never grasp me
Will never heal me
Will never disappear
Holding on, holding on
Knowing that soon all strength will have left my knuckles and fingertips
And I realize that I am not falling into her abyss, but my own

Sovende, i hvert fall på overflaten
Sjelen din strekker seg utover og prøver å favne meg
Sluke meg, sette meg i halsen og kveles sakte og smertefullt
Men med lukkede øyne ser du ikke at det er meg du har fortært i din jakt på frelse
Døden?
Den er borte for lenge siden
Nå er det bare oss to igjen. Og en kamp om hvem som kan åpne øynene dine eller lukke dem.

Alone

Jeg vet hva du følte nå
Vet hvordan ensomheten spiste deg opp innenfra
Skjønner hvorfor du sa farvel

Hvordan kan denne smerten noensinne forsvinne?
Hvordan kan jeg klare å se meg selv i øynene igjen, så svakelig som jeg er nå?
How can I stop pushing them all away to merge into the blackness that flowed from your soul and into mine?
I am so alone

I know you would be here
But it seems you were the only one
And as the days pass I realise that it will never be OK
I will always have that wound right in the depth of my heart and it will sting every time someone leaves
Too many have left me now
Way too many

Hvordan skal jeg klare å reise meg opp igjen?
Hvordan skal jeg klare å gå ut i verden igjen?
Hvordan skal jeg klare å forholde meg til dem igjen?

Jeg vet han ikke sviker med vilje, men allikevel er det det største sviket
Jeg trodde at i hvert fall han kom til å være der
But I was mistaken
And as the fool I am I keep falling
Wondering if I should hold on to the person pushing me further down
Wondering if it’s my mind making it all up or my eyes trying to blind me

Love, send me an angel
For without you I am emptier than ever
And all my strongholds fail
And I am left alone in my emptiness

.

So you finally gave in
And early one morning you said goodbye
But not to me
The world heard your last whispers
But not me
And I am here, all alone, awaiting your song

You promised me you’d return
You swore you wouldn’t leave me alone
Yet the signs do not come
And just as you waited, I wait
In vain

Oh, all the pain you always felt
And all the sorrowful memories you had
Unbearable for you, impossible to process and heal
Some wounds are so poisonous they kill you in the end
No matter how many times I redressed and wiped them in antiseptics
I loved you
I told you so many times
I really, really loved you
But I guess sometimes love isn’t enough

Hanging there
Or the moment before, suspensed in silence
What were the last visions in you head?
Was it him?
Was it your father?
Or was it me?
Perhaps it was just an invisionment of sorrow
Or total blackness

I hope you’re someplace better now
Hope your happy
But somehow I feel that you are no more
And your soul passed on, hopefully to a much better future
But I know scars like that will re-emerge
I hope your next life will give you a childhood that builds you strong
Strong enough to handle that hopeless task fate gave you
Of breaking out of your horrible sins of the past
And emerge like the phoenix
Harder, faster, better, stronger
And rise to your true destiny
Which I know is so much more than this.

I miss you.

So scared
Can't even write
No way to express this total helplessness
I can only pray to the God I know does not exist
How I wish he did now

Don't let the voices bring you down
I'm the one who knows you and I'm telling you it's untrue
You cannot prevent what fate has in store for anyone
Please don't let fate take you too
I love you

Untitled

The nausea is catching up with me again
And it makes me wonder
Sleep, angel, sleep
And leave me alone in my misery
Unable to expel the horror inside
And only writing to amend my pains
The music within fading to a faraway drum that I cannot escape
I want to close my eyes, but my mind starts spinning
Keep on writing, it's the only rail to hold onto

deja vu

A head in splinters
Harder to patch together for each bloody corpse
Why these shattering visions?
I turn to the only thing I trust and it betrays me
My mind, haunting me in the night
And the trail of blood keeps running
And hope seems to falter
Where is the anchor? Where is my root to hold on to?
Pass me a rope, please
For insanity revolves around me
And my sane mind is playing tricks on my unconcious fears
Show yourself, master of demons
For your face is too rotten for me to see your brilliant mind
Somehow, I've been here before

The apathy melted away with the sun, and the light in my soul is finally reflected
Still, there's a shadow there I do not know and cannot find
It finds me in my dreams, haunts me.
And the eyes, always staring.
Death, death, why do you torment me?
I do not fear you, but in the utter darkness I only see you

Apathy

God, this apathy is just eating me up from the inside
Sitting alone in my blue room, trying to remember a different time
The tunes of Yundi Li caress me, but I don’t seem to catch its beauty, I merely sink deeper into what I now realise is my own heart
Need to feel again

When did it start?
Was it there when I first loved you?
Was it there when we shared those kisses deep in the night and I hoped I would never see daylight again in fear of you having turned into the Polarbear?
Was it there when ...
Ah, never mind. Will it ever go away?

This apathy, sucking me in and filling me with the grey fear I saw in her eyes
And I must not let go
Must not surrender, for I fear it will be the last thing I do
God, that rotten smell
That horrendous nightmare of indifference
And I just sit here
In my blue room
Staring out at nothing.

To Grandmother

I still remember your smile, you know, thought I don't know if even you remembered it
Your eyes, the grey shadow there eating you up from the inside
I know it frightened you
I hope you know I saw it and tried to chase it away

Oh, how I hated to see you wither away
And how I wished for this moment when your pain would end and you would join your former self and be released

But alas, the moment is now so bittersweet
Even though the last time I saw you, you smiled
And what a smile!
I hope I never will forget that smile

So tired I cannot see the sleep ahead of me
Metal screeching through my head filled with cotton and diamond splinters
So dark here
So cold
Where are the sounds and smells of life I grew up with?
Need to fly, but not to flee

Need you to be here waiting for me when I need the quiet darkness only Norway can bring me
Need you to call me home when I am melting away and need to be instant frozen to maintain sanity
Need you because I want you not because I cannot stand being without you

Fly with me in my heart
Set me free 'cause I know you love me
Your heart told me while you where sleeping beside me