As the frustration kicks in I start to wonder
Will it ever be like the hardest piece to catch?
My swearing and cursing leads me to believing
And a higher force keeps me running towards freedom

When it started, you made me believe in heaven
When it ended, you proved there was hell
But I was the opposite of the Morning Star and flew up to heaven
And you never saw the sky

The Nightmare

White, sandy beaches stretching out for miles
But there is no ocean
We walk for days without seeing neither sun nor moon
And the light is unbearable

I climb the riff and find a new place
A level of hard sand and soil in an eerie silence
And the pebbles are unbreakable
Little crabs in the white softness of no sound
Run, run towards something I don't know
Our feet hurt and burn, but we keep on going
For if we stand still, damnation is near

We enter a misty marsh
And there is grass and water
I see an abandoned hospital by the other side
But there is fire coming from the chimney
The first sign of human life for days
But I know it's not good

We have to cross the water, but the giant jellyfish stop us
A voice whispers: it's the freshwater ones who will kill you
And I try to lead you through the trees to someplace else
But you laugh and run into the water and the jellyfish devour you at once

I cannot close my eyes in fear of returning to the marsh
But his voice saves me and leads me back into the sunshine and snow

Untitled

Seems like the less lonely I get, the more lonely I feel
It used to be fine 'till I met you
Yet now I shiver at the thought of being alone
Don't turn me
Don't let me make myself a frozen piece of puddle
That's not the one you love

Want to bathe in the starlight again
Take me out, let me dance the night away!
Let me listen to jazz until the morning sun climbs up over the hills and the little birdies start to sing
And let me finish my Gin Tonic before we fall asleep on the carpet next to the silky king-sized bed

Look at my torn hair and tired eyes
And love me more than any other before me
For I want to be the Goddess and the whore
And I want to be the one to turn you
Light was never so tempting before you met me

Let my smile turn you into happiness!

Jeg er ...

Jeg er en varm dyne som brer seg over deg
En dyndyne full av varm sand fra hvite strender
Kulden forsvinner og vi er alene i stjernehavet

Trærne fortalte meg en historie om deg
Om frykt, om frykt, om redsel
Hvorfor så redd for det du ikke vet hva er?
Hvorfor denne lengselen etter ensomhetens samhold?
Jeg kan gi deg det du leter etter, for jeg er sannhetens vokter og menneskehetens budbringer fra mellomverdenen

Jeg kan gi deg livet og skallet du så lenge har ønsket deg
Og til gjengjeld vil jeg bare ha en øm hånd å holde i.

The Flavour Of Hopelessness

You're so brave
Such a fighter in the time of hopelessness
I hope it works out, but I have my doubts
Why so serious, he said and smiled
We cried and let our tears fall unnoticed to the ground as he travelled far away in his blissful trip to hell
Don't you dare let go
Don't you dare fail as I did

I saw them die
In a moment of truth I saw them each fall and perish
Oh, that evil white powder is going to snuff all life out
Until they sit in a ditch with dead eyes and rotten hands like all the rest
It'll be a rough way to go

Never felt so alive
So free, so happy

Never felt more doomed
All we know is how we die, but luckily we have a say in how we go
How do I wanna go?
In a flash of light and rainbows and memories
In a dream of all hopes realized
Loved

How can you be loved when you cannot love?
Evey step closer they get to death, they feel less and love less
To die alone and unloved
To die and be good riddance
That must be the worst way to die.

An Old Poem

You left me alone on this barren earth
With no reasons for your death
Alone, in pain, not knowing what to do
You should see all the tears I have shed

I remember all the good times we shared
The times we cried together
Now I am left alone to cry
'Cause I can do nothing better

You are gone,
No-one to annoy me
You are gone,
No-one to care
Not one person left who can wipe my tears
Loved friend, I wish you were here

If I knew you would die
Would I have done anything else?
Would it have differed the run of your life?
I told you that I loved you
But you didn’t seem to care
Should I have told you even more?
I love you, I love you, to the depth of my core!
Would that have stopped you from going there?

Why did you leave me?
You swore you never would!
How could you break your promise
The promise that kept me alive
The promise that stopped me from killing myself
When all I wanted was to die

We both considered suicide
But none of us came through
Now that you’re gone
What can I do,
If not but follow you?

Did you know how much I loved you?
Did you know how much I cared?
Now my heart is dead,
And all my soul
Is dying with this tear.

Every Time I Close My Eyes (Old Poem)

Every time I close my eyes, they come
Demons of my mind, demons of my soul
Despising me, hating me
Loving my fear so tenderly I could die

My body is untouchable, yet my soul is frail
If they take me, I am lost

Stand up against them
Look into their eyes
They are dead
They are alive
They are demons

Kill us, not their wish
Let us feel their fear
I hear their laughter every time I close my eyes
I see their bloody eyes and their rotten hands
Help me, save me
Hold me and never let me go
I cannot leave them, why?
In some weird scenario I am tied to them and they to me

Frightened every night
Needing love and care to wash my tears away
The tears of my soul, invisible to humans but like neon lights to them
They feel my weakness, my pain

They do not want to kill, no
Fear us, they say
Let us hear your cries
Your helpless tears when no-one is there to save you
Loneliness
One day they’ll be the only friends I have

The demons, the lost ones
Those without souls
They come for me, may others be spared
Eating my flesh and craving my blood
Unholy, unsacred
I am sacred, yet they inhale my breath
I am holy, yet they spit in my wounds
Their lack of love is unbearable

I hope my strength will last
I never want to join them
Stand by my side, hold my hand
They frighten me, you know that

Save me!
The living dead try to take my dead life for their own
Their screams freeze my soul
So they can break it easily

Every night they are here
Every night they blow out my candles and crush my defences
I am helpless

Needing love
Needing love

Save me

On Request: mitt eldste dikt

Det var en gang en mann
Som bodde i en brann
Men mannen var så glad i vann
At brannen slukket med en gang

How I wish You Were Here

As the nightmares escalate I cannot help but to wonder
Where are you, Crazy Diamond?
Knight in shining armor, come and save me in my late night hours of need
For I never dread when I lie next to you

Still, it is you I fear
It is your influence on my soul that I resist and back away from
Can you turn me into that teethed monster I once was?
Can you make me the demon I used to be?
I hope not ...

Oh, why is it that all loves come with such distaste?
I am frightened by the way my mind reads my tricks
Oh, how I wish you were here to carry my fears away
But you are far away right now, too far away to be reached out for
Will you ever come closer?


I think you can turn me, and it terrifies me.
I think I can love you

Tranquile Morning

Tranquile Morning
Originally uploaded by silvenna

Took this on my way to work yesterday. the calm before the storm. Obama for president, yey!

Kjærlighetsdikt til senhøsten

Bladene har falt, eplene henger råtne tilbake på grenene.
En sølvskimrende grå venter på å løpe I dette kalde, lysømfintlige landskapet.
Mild, øm kjærlighet
Flasken er full, klar til å drikkes. Hvem vil drikke sammen med meg?
Jeg tar en slurk: verden forvandles til glede. Hvem vet at jeg er her?
Å, I ditt tomme intet skal jeg få grobunn og spire.
En rosa kjerne I ditt svarte, ugjennomtrengelige mørke. Jeg trenger ikke å bli sydd sammen, jeg har allerede gjort det selv. Jeg trenger å bli vasket med tøymykner og varme hender.

Alt er så stille om høsten
Som om livet selv har tatt en pause. Travel hverdag
Uansett hvor fort du går, den samme lune stillheten som brytes opp av de kalde klikk-klakk-klikk-klakk av dine sko. Verden er så god.
Jeg tror jeg har laget deg I mitt hode, men det gjør ingenting.
Verden var vakker og vellaget uten deg også. Ikke tro at du har reddet meg.
En fiskestang, et agn I vannet. Vil du bite på? Det blir jeg som varsomt må ta ut kroken og temme deg.

Dagene går forbi. Stille, sakte og mismodig. Ethvert skritt fremover er et skritt til siden.
Rødvinsflasken står klar om noen skulle banke på, men ingen kommer.
Flammene brenner lystig, kaklende og skravlende. De er de eneste som har det travelt nå, du har stilnet alle andre.
Å, vi late mennesker. I dvale skulle vi ha vært. Eller enda bedre: våkne opp av dvalen vi allerede er i.
Det siste visne bladet faller mot meg, treffer øret mitt og blir hengende fast I håret. En gave!
Jeg skulle ha visst det, en siste gave fra deg. Hvite bomullsdotter faller ned fra himmelen, legger seg på bakker og smelter bort igjen. Snart er det forbi.

Om morgenen er alt så stille. Høst. Kjølig. Vinter.
Stedet mellom høst og vinter er vakkert – når du er inne.
Varme kopper med te, lunefulle pianosonater og klimprende gitarspill. Du er så vakker når du smiler, kjære.
Syng for meg, senhøst, syng for meg!
Ditt kalde vesen gjør meg ingenting. Kulde er nydelig, brennende og herlig farlig. Vil du spise meg opp? Vil du ta meg med på en ellevill ferd mellom falne blader og gamle blikkbokser?
Se våre øyne reflektert I rimfrosten på bakken.
Så uendelig vakre og naïve vi er.
Tro om det varer? Vil vi denne gangen bli evige sammen? Eller vil vi enda en gang gli over I evig pinsel til våren igjen kommer?
Nei, gi meg frosten for alltid. Gi meg stjerneklare natthimler og stjernebekledde asfaltveier. Gi meg gatelykter som lyser vemodig og gult, som blinker og forsvinner og aldri kommer igjen. Gi meg forkrøplede trær som strekker seg ut mot noe, noe der ute.
Hva ser dere etter?
Dere er like uforstående og uvitende som oss her nede ved deres røtter.

Jeg Er En Sol (Gammelt Dikt)

Jeg er en sol, mørk av smerte
Den går ned I vest og jeg smiler
Musikken synger til meg, en taus Tuomas
En pause, endelig
Hvorfor så trist, lille tre? Hvorfor gråter du?
Verden er jo så vakker!

Ingen blomster, ingenting er lenger grønt
Brunt er så vakkert! Himmelen er født!
Tenk at døde planter kan bringe slik lykke!
Tenk at døden kan være så vakker!
Den ene død er den andres brød, sa de, og tenkte på næring
Men sjelen får næringen sin fra døden den og

Å, hva skulle jeg gjort uten døden hengende over meg?
Hva skulle jeg gjort med en eviggrønn jord?
Det lyser grønt og rødt om hverandre, livet går så fort

Du vokser, vokser I evigheten og I døden
Visne, visnet for å bli grønn igjen
Lille føniks, spre dine vinger
Du er atter gjenfødt
Lyset brenner og du har aldri vært vakrere
Stått opp fra asken og inn I lykken

En dag kommer døden atter tilbake, men jeg frykter ikke
Jeg gleder meg til igjen å dø, igjen bli gjenfødt

Å, se på de grå skyer!
Se på himmelen, se på de visne blader!
Ingen lykke er større enn den jeg finner I høsten
Ingen lykke er bedre enn den første, siste og evige

Kom, grønne død, komme, svarte liv
Jeg frykter ikke lenger
For jeg er død og levende og jeg er lykkelig

Borte

Død

En evig sirkel av smerte og glede
Ingenting er vakrere
Ser dere ikke at livet skal gå I sirkel?
Ser dere ikke at sorgen jeg en gang bar er vakker, buktende og skjellete, full av angst og tårer?
Hva skulle jeg ha gjort uten deg?
Høsten, høsten
Våren vil kommer, men jeg venter ikke på den
Noe så vakkert som dette kommer aldri tilbake
Det varer evig I forandringens navn

Å, høst, vinter, vår, sommer!
Som jeg elsker deg!
Hvordan kunne mitt liv være vakkert om det var kjedelig?
Lykke, lykke, du er alltid her
Sammen med smerten er du min beste venn
Jeg elsker deg, elsker deg, elsker deg!

Stillheten gir meg mot til å skrike
Jeg uler til månen dens siste skrik
Aldri var du mer ensom
Aldri var du mer I ett med meg

Å, mor, du som aldri var der
Å, far, du som var der for mye
Jeg tilgir verden, for den kan ikke tilgis
En gang må dere åpne øynene for kloakkens ynde

Smerte, glede, enn sunn forråtning

Jeg lever.

En Engel I Snøen (Gammlet Dikt)

En engel I snøen – hun ser så uskyldig ut
Egentlig bryr jeg meg ikke
Egentlig tenker jeg ikke
Et stykke evighet forsvant med øyeblikket

Så vant til å se deg patetisk
Vant til å se deg død
Levende, strålende, lykkelig?
Egentlig bryr jeg meg ikke

Egentlig, egentlig. For et vakkert ord!
I used to love you
Meg hadde du aldri, kjære
Meg kan du aldri få heller

Det var jeg som var engelen I snøen
Engelen med de istykkerrevne vingene og den blodige nesen
Jeg hadde falt fra hustak og rennesteiner
Ingen skade er større enn den jeg etterlot meg

Du hvisket gode ord til meg og helte syre I sårene
Jeg var så ensom, min fortids elskede

En drøm jeg håpet en gang ville bli sannhet
Et ønske om fred og kjærlighet
Hvor ble illusjonen av?
Når skjønte jeg at du ikke var min prins?
Hvor er han hvis prinsesse jeg er?

Død, død, død
Din skjønnhet var det bare jeg som så
Ung, dum og uvitende
Eldgammel, klok og evig
Jeg tok deg og har deg for alltid. Uansett
Jeg eier deg for evig tid
Jeg var ikke din ett sekund.

Og vet du hva?
Jeg elsket deg aldri.

Indulging In Dark Files (An old Poem)

Indulging in dark files
Of unforgotten history
I guess you lost
I guess you lost

Drunk with ecstasy
You chose the other path
Dark, dwindling forests
It made all the difference, didn’t it?

Oh, the lovely hills
Oh, the gorgeous mountains
The old mingled with the new, and you watched

What did you expect to see?

A truth so old
Faded to memory, faded to myth
She loved her

Oh, love dies hard, but lies die harder
The pain and sorching flames were too much to bear
You couldn’t stand it, could you?
Too much for a fragile mind
Even worse for a strong one

So much you endured
Such horrid amounts of inhuman wretchedness
Oh, the lost love was too much to handle
You felt it, didn’t you?
Felt it as your own, even though you never loved

The dark forest caught up with you
Damp, moist swamps of imperfection
The truth: twisted lies
Yourself: beyond salvation

I guess you were lost
I guess you were lost

Farewell (an old poem)

In a dream you came
Drawing blood of the innocent
Oh, you were once fair, sweet

Guilt trips
Journeys into the shadow of the mind
How could I stop you?

En gang kjente jeg deg
En gang var du min

I betrayed you
You were too dangerous to me
Oh, the sweet fear of the darkness
The sweet fear of the unknown

You scared me, friend
But in the end, I knew you used me as I had used you

Drømmer om lykke
Drømmer om et godt liv
En søt stank kom sigende inn i paradis
En fallen frukt
Et råttent eple
Paradis falt

We were never friends

Merely partners in crime
Both guilty of betraying ourselves
I was saved
You still linger in the dark, unable to free yourself of the chains you created

I met you in a dream
Told you why I ran, why I despise you
You vampire, you unattractive eater of life

Jeg stolte aldri på deg, vet du
Du kan ikke for alltid leve i din egen boble
For hvert tjærefylte pust ble omverdenen svartere
Sola kunne ikke lenger entre ditt sinn

How could he know?

Only for a certain amount of time can you blame your innocent mind

Løp og gjem deg bak en diagnose
Gjem deg bak noen ord
Flyt vekk i uskyld

You are a dark force
Swiping over the ridden land
So easy to use the weak
So easy to control the human mind

”Pity me
Look at me
I am used
I am lonely
Pity me”

I en verden av omtanke var du i ditt ess

A twisted ace of spades.

So dark
You always were so dark
Oh! the rotten flesh of your hands
The sick depths of your mind

You have lost to yourself
Nobody can save you now
What a pity!

You came to me in a dream
Wet, cold and lonely
Demanding answers

Never touch me!
Never use me!
Never come near me again!

Hva skal jeg si?
Kanskje jeg en dag kan se deg fri?
Men dine skarpe tenner og bulende øyne tar strupetak

You frightened me
Ran after me, trying to catch me

In a dream you came
Invading my mind

And in a dream I saw your true self
Reflected in the mirror of the soul was nothing
Vampire!
Creep!
Never think of me again, for you are unworthy

Skitne halvkaste
Djevelen smittet deg med sin sjarm og sin stemme
Vik fra mitt lys, slange
La sjelen min hjemsøke deg
La lyset mitt vise deg veien tilbake

You are lost
I am sorry, I cannot save you
You are too deep, too far gone
Your mind is a maze of darkness
Of illegal thoughs and shameful dreams

Farewell,
Farewell to my friend deep innside of you
Sorry to leave you there
But this mess is not mine

Farvel, min venn
Jeg vet du er der inne
En siste stråle av mitt lys sender jeg deg

And then you’re on your own.

At last.

Mother's Mysterious Diamond
Originally uploaded by silvenna

I left you trying to swim out of the puddle of grease
Pulling me down, my swimming finally got better
And I showered you away after each exhausting day of work
All day, all week, water, water, cleaning away the slime from my heart
And the laughter of the children healed my self-esteem

My love visited heaven for a minute
Bleak, bleak on the hospital bed and crying in my arms while they penetrated her spine with giant needles
My heart was so torn and the only reason I kept up with life was Angie's presence
I think I thanked you a hundred times, but it was the most powerful piece of poetry I ever encountered

The summer was filled with merriment and grass
I spinned, spinned and fell to the ground when I realised I had no control
Why did you leave me, brother?
And then, that magical night when you loved me
The autumn came early that year, and the spiderwebs were untangled and nested up and all threads led to you
The little spider suddenly became the victim of the crows

Of all the persons who picked me up, Whiskey was the best
We used to be so close, remember? What happened and at what point?
The weasel got to your soul at last.
I think it's best we parted when we did, we really were carving off each others need of attention
You need to be the center, don't try to convince yourself of anything else
But you lost him, for he will always be mine

Green Eyes, now far, far away but still so close
What would I have done without you?
You know you've saved me more than once, and kept me from flying off into the star-struck skies
Keep that rope tied to your wrist and never cut it off, cause you know I've always wanted to fly

And I have been hovering lately
I guess I can finally say I'm really happy.
I know last summer was fun, but still, so much mud and clouds, so many spiders I realise now
And so much addiction
The needles I know inject are poison keeping me from being poisoned
I usually poisoned myself to hurt me

I'm so free, free, free
And I see in his eyes the light I will meet so many times throughout my life
Love.
And I can finally say: I really love.
I really love.